The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Just over heard my husband telling the dog that he wants nothing more in life than to pet him, so I guess that was 16 years and three kids well spent
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
My husband just referred to the Wonka Experience as “Fyre Festival for children.”
Please don’t write happily married in your social media bio. Be realistic. “I have a spouse and they like me well enough.”
It’s early in the year but I’m already anxious about my husband getting his Spotify Wrapped and asking me who has been getting high and listening to “If We Hold On Together” from “The Land Before Time” sung by Diana Ross so many times.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]Wife: why for everything
Wife: We need to talkMe, absolutely panicking: WhatWife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
husband: how was your dayme showing him the Twitter research I’ve done on Kate Middleton’s whereabouts since December of last year pic.twitter.com/WXphrsc96x
Husband: Why are your hands bleeding?*flashback to me struggling to open a pistachio for 20 minutes*Me: I’m learning how to play guitar.
Wife: Babe, why in the world are the windows open? Me: It’s spring! Wife: It’s 49 degrees! Me: You’re right — I should open more windows.
Husband: I thought you said you had therapy. Me: Yes? Husband: You’re parked in the driveway listening to a book and scrolling your phone. Me: And I have 23 minutes left in my session.
When my mother-in-law came to stay, she insisted we NOT change our regular routine for her. We obliged, but naked Saturday was a pretty awkward.
My husband called me from upstairs because he needed tp and what did we do before cell phones
Almost made it to the end of February before my wife made the first mention of what we could gift people for Christmas this year. Maybe next year will be the year we make it to March
my wife: you put more time and energy into our son’s little league team than you do our marriage.me: well yeah our marriage doesn’t end in a championship tournament.
My husband just said he’s going to take a shower so I told him I hope he showers off his bad attitude*. *I got a new sweatshirt and put it on and asked if I look cute and he said “well, it sure is a sweatshirt!” which is obviously not the right answer and he needs to do better.
According to my husband he’s the only person on the road who knows how to drive. The eye-roll is implied.
wife: [stressed and busy]me: [not working] let me help and I can do the grocery shoppingwife: I don’t want you to do that.
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That’s why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we’ll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can’t find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.